There is nothing like the birth of a new baby: little fingers; tiny toes; and the insanely addictive newborn smell. Well intending family members, friends and colleagues jump at the chance to visit and meet your new love, and while we understand how exciting this time is for families, we should approach our visits with care & compassion.
In the early days and weeks after birth a new mom is running on fumes, even after an uncomplicated, vaginal birth. For many, the very act of sitting causes her pain and discomfort. All women experience some swelling and discomfort following a vaginal birth. It's even more uncomfortable if she is recovering from an episiotomy or had an assisted vaginal birth (vacuum or forceps). A once routine visit to the washroom to pee can be a major event. Add in some swollen and tender breasts as she and her baby learn to breastfeed and a family that is so tired and sleep deprived they can't even think straight. For many receiving visitors can easily put them over the edge.
New Mom Care is essential to newborn care. How we care for a new mom in the early days can impact the short and long term health of the mother & baby, the health of other children and our community over all.
We really love and appreciate the approach and care of a new mom in the Asian Culture. After a woman gives birth she is cared for by others for 30 days. Other people manage the daily chores (cooking, cleaning and caring for older children). A new mom can rest and nourish herself and new baby without the burden or guilt of dealing with menial tasks. Unfortunately, this communal child rearing philosophy has been almost completely abandoned in North American culture and replaced with the “taking care of me” philosophy, which we feel has negative impacts on our lives.
So, here are FITMOM’s best practices for family and friends who plan to visit in the early days and weeks of your newborns life. Taking the following tips under advisement when visiting a new family can help to ensure that they are off to the best start possible.
1. A new mother cannot entertain you. She should not be making tea, offering you a drink, or seeing if you’re hungry. For many new moms, hosting of any kind may be too much. Instead, message her and offer meals that you can drop off. Better yet, just drop one off and let her know it is at the door. (Do not stay unless asked). Offer a time to come and run errands, cook, clean her house, or take baby for a walk.
2. A new mom does not have the energy to hear about your day, make small talk or just "shoot the shit". Small talk, even with her BFF, can be incredibly draining in the early days. A new mom should not have to ‘be polite’ because you are in her space needing to engage.
3. She does not need people dropping by unannounced-EVER. If you get the green light to visit; do not bring strangers or people she barely knows. Her nipples may be bleeding and sore and she needs a safe space to figure it all out.
4. Please do not show up with friends or other children unless SHE REQUESTS THIS.
5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Offer support and help instead.
6. Do not comment on baby’s feeding schedule, or comment on the number of times a baby feeds.
7. Return the baby to the mother as soon as she asks for him/her back. If a baby is crying or distressed he can easily be calmed by his mother. It stresses both of them out to be separated. Let the new parents figure out what his cries mean.
Below is a summary of things you can do to support and care for a new mom:
Offer support in the form of:
- Childcare for older children
- Doing Laundry
- Housecleaning
- Bringing meals.
- Baby rocking and holding if requested by mom
- Take baby for a walk so mom can sleep
- Take dogs out for a walk so the new parents can sleep
- Change bedding
- Do the grocery shopping
- Bring toiletries
- Listen
- Let her cry
- Listen some more
- Ask her what she needs
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